had a very interesting supper with the shift mates today. went on the premise that i quite find joy rather than fear in the need to interact with them, as compared to the surgical disciplines i was setting my sights on.

reflecting on the present moment, i do think it was slightly enlightening/mind opening. in trying to rationalise it all, i think today might be a significant turning point in my personal life. i was just thinking about how much i do like the a&e way of things, way of thinking, way of interacting, lifestyle and work hours, and the people it attracts. and just how much i feel like i might fit in. i think that perhaps, to truly unlock my potential as a person, to finally be myself and live life without this heavy weight upon my shoulders (that is not even my adult responsibilities etc, just the confusion of why i am not truly happy/free), i need to live in the moment. cliche as it sounds, the moment is always fleeting. everything will come to an end. the shift will come to an end, the patient will be discharged or admitted, everyone's life will come to an end. the posting will come to an end, and whether i do it again or not, the posting mates might not, and my interactions may come to an end. my dreams about doing a&e may come to an end, my own life may come to an end. this supper came to an end, and who knows, i may never have a supper with these people ever again. maybe we'll never do the same evening shift ever again, maybe i won't get invited again/i will be left out and forgotten (it isn't that uncommon). maybe i'll never talk to them in this manner again, and maybe all these things i thought i wanted to say to further our convo or our relationship will never have an opportunity again.

and being the me with the heavy, heavy weight on my shoulders, i'll just be worried about the future, worried about the impression i left, worried about not creating enough future opportunities to do any of the above "right". worried about planning all these goals and things on my temporary to-do list. why the fuck should i do that? why the fuck should i not just be myself and speak my mind? why should i be worried that i will not/did not impress? i'm not that good a guy, but i'm not that bad a guy. i think one golden piece of advice/encouragement was one that came from the love of my life, and i should really take it - "just be yourself, he/she cannot be better than you". it's a bit of a trick statement; they just can't. nobody can be a better hiok than me.

that's it. maybe this is all just me rationalising my actions.. but isn't that what humans do in life? haha. nonetheless. i think it's a good and refreshing juncture. a good turning point, a good point i can call a new start haha. i'm just gonna be me, and whilst doing adulting things is necessary, and having goals to achieve something/making efficient plans that maximise time and enjoyment is good practice, i'm going to live in the moment. because i cannot count on these moments to come back. things just happen, and that's the way things are. so here's me, going forth to be the me that i am, and will be. haha.

you need to stop digging deeper into things that can never be yours

too lazy/still recuperating, to post. but i think it's needed to mark the occasion -

2/1/19, i'm officially out of this shit posting! that i requested for haha. but seriously, the toxic work environment.. i'm just glad i made it out of the 6 months alive and intact. and now i have this badge of honour i can look back on and tell stories of.

and 3/1/19, off to the next posting - never would i have imagined myself to be an MO "under the division of medicine" LOL. but here i am. hope i can save/change some lives.


realised my last post was back in september 2018.. wow, these last few months were really about survival mode. no matter, i could only have learnt and grown stronger/wiser haha.