Sunday, November 15, 2015
Obviously I don't like rain on my call, but it's smelling like a smell I enjoyed from my childhood, and that brings some comfort to my shitty day with low morale. Am waiting the call out.
Met michael yam's wife and kid this morning.. So cute the kid haha. Got reminded cos just saw two grandparents bringing a young kid taking the tower b lift.. Also got reminded of levine's baby photos which auntie showed me ytd.. :) I also want haha.. Soon soon maybe..
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
一塵不染的真心
Friday, November 06, 2015
the desperate plea to beg for another 2 minutes
Thursday, November 05, 2015
"Eh brother, rmr you said you were intetested in ortho? Today bosses were talking abt you as a student and i put in a good word for you. Think they agree youre enthusiastic and i think [Dr A] wants to give you research opportunity haha. Dont need to make it known i gave you this heads up ;) but i put in good word for you cos i believe in you, and your enthusiasm. Hopefully the mo will contact you soon, if not, keep in touch w [Dr A], ask for research opportunities, apply here for your electives and all. If not interested then nvm haha but, here it is, an opportunity, because you were sincere. So remember to keep that sincerity alive and beating through your life haha. Cheers"
"Eh bro thanks for doing that man!! Really appreciate the word you put in for me man :) keeping your words close to my heart bro"
This morning during breakfast, I felt a surge of pride as a mentor to a young student, YJ, who wasn't even present and I had only brought him around half a night on call with my rants on 做人/做醫師的道理. I may not know him well, but have this feeling he's a good guy. And having this opportunity to be a mentor to him, I was proud.
I'm glad I'm a stepping stone for him to become something greater. And the only reason I aim to be a giant is only so that people after me can stand on my shoulders and see further.
~
Today as I was leaving hospital post call, OT Laura and Alicia's dad rushed to stop the lift and asked me if I wanted to see Alicia take her first few steps with her new prosthesis. Apparently Alicia had spotted me from afar and asked to say hi to me. I went over to watch her stand on her own two feet, one bought with her parent's loving money, the other salvaged with an ext fix from an open fracture. She happily let go off the walking frame with PT Shenny supporting her hips, and said "look, no hands" with that smile and left eye ptosis on her post SJS pigmented face. I was so happy for her, and so moved at her progress. I told her, "this is exercise ok, know your limits, but push hard. You have to sweat and really have a work out and improve before you take a rest. It's been so much progress since I first saw you, and the road ahead will still be a long one and very tough. But you have to work hard and go on ok." Haha. And I accompanied her to walk to the lift as her parents half-heartedly (I don't blame their joy and enthusiasm) and cordially said I could go on my way post call. I said she could walk to the lift and then wave bye to me haha. The passing pharmacist who got into the same lift as me affirmed my gladness, as he had previously seen her state during SJS when he reviewed the meds she was on during that period.
I'm grateful for such moments of respite in my life as I go on my way trying to destroy myself. I know everyone would say that these moments should add up to me learning to love myself, and maybe they should. But I destroy myself for the moments where I am imperfect in my own eyes. However few, or however many those moments are, I don't spare myself from my own punishment. I sense those moments, and I can only think of destroying myself, to rid this world of the only inadequacies I seem to have control over. I tend towards destroying myself, to keep others safe. Just as I do any positive things to keep others safe. I know this is not fair to those who love and care about me, but for now I still seem unable to do it for myself, compared to guarding the world and keeping it safe. What an interesting and naive weight I seem to have on my shoulders haha.
Nevertheless, for now, I'm grateful for such respite, on my way to becoming the ?relatively short-lived person I want to be. The surgeon that orders the hypocount and SCSI, that sees his trauma patients to the end of it. Keep walking for now.