beautiful, isnt it
Thursday, September 29, 2011
it gets shitty when ppl start to matter, more than they do normally, which is already a lot. for the week, i am already a physical prisoner to time.. i need to free myself in other ways, yet still thrive..
at 8:44 AM
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinking-
maybe six feet ain't so far down.


drag my tired body around.. i really wish my imagination is correct. i know its not a promise, but don't give me some false hope either..
at 9:43 PM
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
everything is sad, and i just wished my heart would beat in a non-tired manner once more..
at 11:18 PM
back to being unstable.. bleak.
at 9:56 PM
blood's not rushing to my head without. heart's not pumping fast enough without. lips aren't loose enough without. brain's still able to think too much without. not that i'm dependent on it, you know. but i am too conscious right now that i'd suspect things are about me. i am too conscious right now that i'd consider how wrong my assumptions may be. of course i just wish to be delivered from this. but no, i can only face the unwritten following page, and read it only when it is written..
at 1:00 AM
Monday, September 26, 2011
mind-boggled. at the fact that idk what's gonna come of here haha. i'll see, i guess.
at 12:18 AM
Saturday, September 24, 2011
such golden late afternoon light, bathing the houses in the distance, and befalling on this quiet train station, with brielle playing in my ipod.. really reminds me of eurotrip haha..

and the next song is wang lee hom's kiss goodbye..
at 4:59 PM
because when you finally move on and are gone i'd have nothing left to hold on to
at 2:03 AM
Friday, September 23, 2011
last night i hugged to sleep an owl that is not you
at 6:35 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
at 2:37 PM
well i won't die. i guess thats both a good and bad thing. kind of like my gift that is my curse. i don't know already la, i stand on a cliff, hopefully by the sea, and i scatter it to the wind. what comes from here i don't know. timing lor. i hope.
at 4:58 AM
it is a very sad birthday after all..
at 2:36 AM
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
from himym,

if you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: timing.
at 2:00 PM
i am a clown, i dress up, and i smile and be happy. but at the end of it all i'm just gonna cry. i willingly submit myself to you, but i'm just gonna get hurt.
at 12:50 PM
i can't believe we're talking so normally la.. i'm like the onion you gave me..
at 3:57 AM
ok i just realised how fucked over i am
at 1:47 AM
Monday, September 19, 2011
i'm very unhappy right now..
at 4:07 AM
oh god what happened tonight..
at 4:02 AM
Sunday, September 18, 2011
just to feel something right? yea i'm jealous. i'm gonna pick a fight with everyone i see now..
at 11:46 PM
to many many many many many more drinks
at 11:18 PM
look more at the wedding photos cos i got a feeling i cant after this..
at 1:17 PM
Saturday, September 17, 2011
i feel that, as if i'm in some epic movie, i'm about to just "make some decisions" and don't look back. its those epic, sepia, turning-point scenes where the character is faced with a crossroads, and down either path is a consequence as unknown, but as likely to be of heavy responsibility/significance, and what is done can't be undone. in fact its quite likely that you just dig yourself deeper, and deeper into the.. path. i think maybe its because theres a culmination of things i have to do, that created the above feeling for me. and also the fact that, this kind of decisions i make, i tend to choose the anyhow one than the mild, lukewarm, ambiguous, almost no significant consequences one that a many ppl choose. and well, before i take the dive.. let me just meditate on my destiny
at 12:52 PM
i dont understand why the earth is still spinning. everything is so fucked up. its such a chore to wake up and live life.
at 12:38 PM
Thursday, September 15, 2011
sian. lol. after all this, i still dont know what to expect in life. plans and expectations dont work. i can only live day by day, and see how. won't you give me a place i can return to every night..?
at 10:18 PM
its a peaceful weekday afternoon..

i was just at bedok interchange. decided to screw eating the food in school, said bye to my friends, and went to eat awesome mutton soup at bedok interchange cos i felt like it. as i shared the round table with a totally random auntie, i was so glad that, i understood all the heartland hokkien all around me.. :) i observed and watched, with all my concealed warmfuzziness, as the auntie from the stall in front of me, talked to the kid of some other vendor from somewhere nearby.. watched as she used singaporean chinese to tease the kid, asking him to go on holiday with them, asking him why he didnt have school today (why he so big he can not go school but his elder sis has school, he so big today cos his "bday" ah), asking him if he can get money from his mum to give them to go on holiday, asking him where he got his ben10 watch from, telling him that wa zhe ge zhe me piao liang. all in singaporean chinese. and the kid although shy, giggles at times as he is really coaxed by the teasing of this hawker centre auntie that knows his mum. :) i watched on.. and knew that this was how i was brought up, and this would be how i would want to bring my child up haha.. :)

it is a peaceful weekday afternoon, and my heart is sooo heavy..
at 2:40 PM
Monday, September 12, 2011
jiayou hiok
at 11:27 PM
ask me if i regret not looking up at all the whole time just now. slightly. but there was no point. i was too ashamed and too freaked out to look in your eyes. and you were not there. besides, you kept going away. i guess you didn't dare to stay either haha. listening to your voice which i already forgot, was good enough. nah, not good enough.. but in this half full half empty story, i can only keep asking for more time, 2 minutes, 1 minute.. and see how i don't die til tomorrow.

as he lay there on the grass, facing the starless, fog-filled night, engrossed in his analog phone, i can only think farfetched (?) unpleasant thoughts for my fantasy. doesn't matter, i don't hear any sound for the rest of the night anyway. i don't understand any signs, the stars are making me confused.

nevermind i dont get to eat some of my food before it gets cleared la. what matters is that at the end of the day, we fall asleep like pisces against a bed of stars. or rather, like the symbol of cancer in a hotel room in the dead of the night.

i can't believe that tomorrow its the same old shit all over again.. being a cute
at 11:26 PM
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i'm so happy you are fine
at 10:22 PM
as been said, "you know my name, but you dont know my story."
at 5:59 PM
i'm very disappointed in people, and in life. is there nothing that can deliver me from this?
at 4:46 PM
zzzzzzzzzzz its tooo tiring to live life
at 4:02 PM
assessment: weekend is not exactly mine, fk need to make use of remaining sunday.. too tired to.. care
at 2:44 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2011
parable

i am meditating in a bamboo woods, somewhere in 1000 bc. my heat beats very fast suddenly. i sit perfectly still but in my mind and my perception i am smacking my own head. dammit,
at 1:32 PM
you guys suck. what a fucker, and what a fucker. selfish so dont pretend to be otherwise. i know i'll end up forgiving you guys tmr, but seriously, i feel screwed over today. you guys arent bro enough. fuck you. its a world of wolves and i'm just protecting the lambs from them.
at 12:07 AM
Thursday, September 08, 2011
its another pleasant late afternoon.. i'm so physically worn out lol. and then any small thing breaks the weak me haha. because they threaten to turn out to be real things. i feel like an endless russian roulette not knowing which click is just gonna do me in. although, i somehow feel that everything will be alright if i just continue doing this. that somehow things will be ok if i just go on helping others, living for others. even if i were to do it alone. haha.
at 6:04 PM
i want to kbox with you right now
at 12:54 AM
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
feel a bit more at ease.. or is this the tiredness kicking in?

how can it be that, things are more complex, and things are not looking stronger either, but i feel a non-num type dont really care-ness?

its nice, not thinking that much, and not being too uptight, slowly doing things.. but how can it be when things are worse?

maybe it'll last till this bowl of peanuts finishes..
at 11:44 PM
Monday, September 05, 2011
what's wrong with the world.. its so screwed up. and the good things, the beautiful things.. i feel like i'd taint them. i dont deserve to be near them. everyday i try to face life stronger, try harder at things and not give up, but everyday i feel my will to live go weaker. i dont have the energy to continue living anymore.
at 5:49 PM
very mindf-ed right now
at 12:57 AM
going crazy la. try to reason with myself and try to be normal. or calm. but i cant shirk off my sad existence.
at 12:46 AM
Sunday, September 04, 2011
omg i can't take it anymore. if that happens again, the organs of the thoracic cavity: the thymus atrophies. the lungs become mottled with black spots as the phagocytes phagocytose the particulate matter we breathe in. the heart.. gets pieces sliced off it, and those pieces, occupied, are rendered useless.
at 11:33 PM
it was a really, really long and decadence filled weekend haha. crazy, fun, and relieving.. simply because we didnt have to think during this weekend. then again, it felt like a long day. and i hate long days.. in the end it wasnt all that bad la. quite sian during dnd, because i'm me, and hated that i gotta go on stage to perform.. but my og really brought a smile to my depressed, sullen face as i turned from the amp to face the audience, as i saw the whole, freaking lot of them gathered there to support us.. (: told you never to imagine how things may turn out.. they hardly ever happen the way we imagine them haha. anyway, am so thankful that they actually moved to the front to come support us/me (: to sing along and jump to the music, the way i always do when i'm with them haha (: the red indians even stormed the stage to offer a flower at my feet HAHA. they got me a flower leh! and then amidst the jumping crowd

i'm so glad though that i at least somewhat have today to buffer. slow down and not think so much, and breathe a bit. because as me and arj agreed, monday's gonna be the same old shit again la. it's gonna be the same old worries, the same old concerns, the same old trying to make chances and figuring how best to use them. same old pains and same old sights i dont want to see. except more tiring cos apparently our days are longer, and our lessons so much heavier.. sigh i'm gonna try and make it la. i'm gonna take it easier a bit, be more cool a bit..
at 3:59 PM
Thursday, September 01, 2011
i'm so sad
at 10:42 PM
living in fear. every moment. try again tmr..
at 10:30 PM