don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside my head..

been drinking coffee liberally whenever i'm in lounge cos there's free flow from the coffee machine. sometimes it's up to 4 or 5 cups a day. it's not good, all this no rest and coffee. i'm very tired. somehow currently in the way the next song (軌跡) describes (我會發著呆，然後忘記你，接著靜靜閉上眼).. this daze of these few (seemingly contiguous) days where i'm still going around functioning like normal, paying attention making convo actually genuinely being involved in things, doing work and teaching juniors (bits here and there) makes me feel a very weird whirlpool of feelings at certain points in time. from totally dry and dead, to things i cannot properly recall because the above took too long to type. i feel happy, i feel sad, i feel pent up, i feel hopeless, i feel empowered, amongst many or actually few other things. most of all, i feel like jay chou/taiwan songs, especially 菊花台 at the start of this musing, where everything that needed to have been said was embodied in everything that wasn't. i also don't know why i feel like that as it does not relate to my everyday life - maybe i'm just dreaming of alternate realities/movies that could be playing as i go about toiling through the day/week.

speaking of which, one of the related and more explainable feelings is how jay chou/taiwan mandopop makes me feel like how i expect to be feeling when i go taiwan in may for 6 weeks........ another world, and must be a pleasant world/experience/trip.. so looking forward to that man.

for now i want to go home tonight and have my sleep

before i forget, to document that the grand budapest hotel was a really great show haha. the style, the story, the nostalgia. it was a western 大世界 haha. i love it. the way voldemort (ralph fiennes haha) was the main guy, and the lobby boy, and everything..

be the only glimmer of civilisation left in this barbaric slaughterhouse once known as humanity. be the sure gentleman doing what is right in this mess always.


these days have been tiring, working hard, over working, work that is just so high a hurdle, such a heavy tedious load to push against. work is good. i just need to clear them. and have a good plan in mind as to what to do with my life.

then, you realise you might not be sleeping til the next night. whatever la. i'll see how and make it.

so tired. my dad is so stubborn. of all ppl my mum should know him best, and tonight i was made to ponder about the ways him and i differ. still, i love him, and he's taught me some of the best things i've come to learn.

they weren't misinforming, life gets more gritty and "real" as you grow up. i'll have to/am facing more and more "real" situations, feeling more and more of the brunt. starting to wonder how much of the empowerment i felt as a youth was a lie. did i not have failures and rejections before this decade?

and how many more can i accommodate in my life? i'm not used to failures. but to not be able to adapt to them, would be a failure in itself.