beautiful, isnt it
Friday, August 05, 2016
5th August, 2016

things i wanna do in my life right now:

1) ____ _______
2) get fit so i can serve NS
3) be an intense cardiothoracic surgeon
4) learn the japanese language and live in japan for a while/be free to go there often as i will
5) get married and have a blissful marriage
at 12:58 AM
Wednesday, August 03, 2016
damn sian. just damn sian. i don't want to do all these "things i'm supposed to do" already. i don't want to do this exam, i don't want to need to chase a career. i just want to do the things i want. i just want to have the life and home and family in 5 years time that has yet to happen, i just want to visit the places i want to visit, i want to enrich myself and explore the world, i want to live in japan and live a quiet daily life.

so stressed by all these "things i'm supposed to do". why the fuck. going to go insane in my own box my own mind.
at 6:05 PM
Sunday, July 03, 2016
"Korobeiniki" tells of a meeting between a peddler and a girl, describing their haggling over goods in a veiled metaphor for courtship.

"They meet each other in a rye field at night where he has promised her a good deal on the goods he carries, before they are sold in the market at day. Only the night knows what happens between them in the rye field, but she is not so simple and does not take any of the goods which he offers her. What is the point, she figures, to have all that without him – her first and only love? She takes only a small turquoise ring, as a memory, and he promises to marry her when he comes back from his commerce trip. He continues his journey and she waits for him with caution. His business goes very well and he makes a lot of money, but on the way back he is killed and robbed by a forest ranger whom he asks for directions. So he never comes back to marry Katya."

Oh, my crate is so full,
I've got chintz and brocade.
Take pity, oh sweety,
Of this lad's shoulder

at 2:54 AM
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Work hard. For her. For future family.

Stuff I need to keep in mind for all future obstacles too..
at 9:03 PM
Sunday, May 08, 2016
i just feel so crappy this period, doing this dreadful scary posting, and missing you so much.

i just want a normal average life and schedule. with you, thats the best life i'd ever want.
at 2:39 AM
Monday, April 25, 2016
Very nice :) I'm in a bar/lounge in Ipanema listening to live bossa music. These are songs I've listened to my whole life, that have made me smile. I don't understand a single word they are singing, yet I know what they are singing about haha.

Bossa music is about love, or lack thereof. Doesn't that make it just about this world? Haha
at 8:48 AM
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Long story short,

The past few weeks have been a stomach churning hell.

Heck, the past one year has been hell.

But I have a capable and dependable and supportive wife (to be, anyway) by my side,

A (maybe, few) trusty friend with a true listening ear just next (figuratively, whatsapp separates us) to me,

And a loving family, loving and wise parents, whose nest I can always go back to to find comfort and rest.

What more could I ask for? :)

And so I'm off to conquer the world tonight.

Or more accurately, Brazil haha.

But then I'm one working day from turning MO already haha..

Off to conquer the world it is then :)
at 1:12 AM
Saturday, March 26, 2016
glaciers melting in the dead of night
and the super stars sucked into the 
super massive
at 3:27 PM
Sunday, March 13, 2016
bintan 11/3/2016 -13/3/2016:

so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
at 10:21 PM
Tuesday, March 08, 2016
8/3/16, 2:04:40 AM: Me: I was just verbalising the following to Kevin lim like just, as I was replying messages. Gonna be damn long but it's just some personal reflections and feelings that I'd rly like to share with my closest friends haha
8/3/16, 2:05:00 AM: Me: Anw here goes
[insert pic of VBEABE article with Dr R, reg from C hosp GS]
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: This is in the Feb issue of Singapore medical journal that I'm just reading
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: It's a manuscript I helped work on with R a C hosp GS reg
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: I didn't do the analysis, and I didn't write it from scratch, and this Ofc has been edited since I contributed to it
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: But that guy broke contact when I was m4, and in m5 texted me saying thanks for having helped out but it's been refurbished by some other ppl he had roped in on the project, when it's published wherever I will be credited accordingly haha
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: Not sure if it's just me but I don't see that any where
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: I also see that of the 10 or so references there was initially that I beefed up to 30++ with my lit review he has included 23
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: This is why I don't respect or trust most ppl, and I'm already tired of trying to beat them before I even enter a residency haha
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: I'm generally tired of even entering society for that matter haha
8/3/16, 2:05:21 AM: Me: Just a bit angsty. Will just acknowledge that I probably didn't make enough of a difference and that's why my efforts aren't acknowledged
[insert pic of Dr R telling me the manuscript I was working on has been overhauled and submitted to journal, but I will be acknowledged for my efforts accordingly and be sent a copy of the manuscript once it has been published]
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Was chatting w my brother and I showed him and talked to him abt the above and told him how fucked up I felt abt it as you can prob tell from the above
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Went on to tell him how HOs being junior docs Alw get treated like shit doing scud and being bullied by nurses, patients, families and worst of al colleagues in the hospital
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Like the above haha
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Then went on to tell him some more heartwarming successes
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Like me on call the other day overstaying post call an hour plus or so explaining and answering questions to a family regarding their loved one so far gone the patient is for comfort care and is going Alr at that moment
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Just wanted to update the main spokesperson but the entire Malay kampung started to gather and before I knew it I was addressing a group of 20-30 ppl all crowding around to hear what I've got to say
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: I addressed their queries and at the end the macik who was the main daughter of the dying patient said: "I just want to thank all the nurses and doctors and staff of this ward, I know my family is so big yet you all allow us to come and crowd in here"
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: And I put my hand on her shoulder and I said: "no, don't say that. Family is family, and you all should be here to spend time w her. So pls do, spend some time w her."
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: Even the main spokesperson the grandson started crying and I almost did too but held it in by walking off to document this medico legally
8/3/16, 2:05:49 AM: Me: And abt 2 weeks ago this 50+ year old cognitively slower lady (as she has cerebral palsy) came in for lung infection which became so severe her lungs started retaining carbon dioxide and not having enough oxygen - the way a chronic smoker's lungs would, it was that bad - that the team had to hold a family conference and warn the family that she's so severely ill she might go any time and to prepare for the worst, if the worst happens what to decide, to what extent to pursue prolonging life (which they chose not for escalation to icu care or intubation/ventilator, just maximum ward management). She was so bad she became drowsy was put on a mask that pushes air into lungs (one step before intubation), and had to have arterial blood drawn for tests twice daily (the usual blood you draw is venous blood, one prick and its superficial and its oozing stops easily with compression - arterial blood is deeper, it's a stab, and it's more painful with more complications such as bruise forming and bleeding not stopping easily as arterial pressure is spurting sort of blood so it's much higher) and she had to have that twice a day for a specialised blood test venous blood can't show. At some point in time her wrists where we took the arterial blood from were so bruised and swollen we could no longer feel the pulse or reach it with a long needle easily
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: But before she became that severely ill, she would bear w the pain cos cognitively impaired but able to understand and consent to me when I say I am "drawing some blood". After I'm done she no fail would say "thank you". Ofc only until she became so severely ill and drowsy she couldn't.
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: Today 2 weeks on she became so much better that we have taken off the mask thing and she's back from being drowsy. To ensure we can keep the mask off her tonight we had to do the arterial bloods again. And when I poked her wrist today like I said its so bad I couldn't get the blood. I withdrew the needle and guess what. She said "thank you."
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: So I said "sorry not done yet. I have to take blood again cos cannot"
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: She let me take again. This time I was successful, from the groin artery. And when I was done she said "thank you".
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: After that I had to clear other work and there was so much I was Alr late for my bridal suite viewing at Conrad today. but I just decided to stop by before I leave and tell that patient's mum what I felt. I let her know that tmr I was changing to a diff team so another dr will be taking care of her daughter. She expressed thanks for these days. But that's not what I wanted to say. I told the patients mum, who must be abt the age of my aunt who raised me since young: "Lucy is very well brought up. Brought up to be very well mannered. Every time I take blood from her, after finish she'd say thank you." She laughed and told Lucy "see doctor say you guai" and Lucy laughed. And I told her she's so brave to have undergone so much, and told them to take care and good bye. Because one arterial blood is so much more painful than normal venous blood that it has made grown men whine or curse complaining in pain, but Lucy has had 2 weeks worth of daily twice arterial bloods haha.
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: As I left, Lucy's elder sis, maybe abt my mum's age came to ask for updates and I did mad expl the above to her too. Me changing teams and just wanting to say take care and that Lucy is v well mannered. Felt a bit random so I confessed to her truly what made me feel like giving them this human touch to stay strong on the road to recovery - Lucy reminds me of my elder sis. Who had a brain infection at 1 month old and has been cognitively not as advanced as her age would be (1 year older than me).
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: She's been to hospital many times Ofc and she's not as calm or as able to take pain or treatment as Lucy did. She's also not cognitively advanced as Lucy to offer thanks most of the time (I think some times she would be capable of it). But my elder sis and my parents for that matter.. Lucy's bravery reminds me of theirs too, for having lived 26 years of this kind of life haha.
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: Yup.
8/3/16, 2:06:07 AM: Me: And:
[insert pic of thank you card from Z and CH]
[insert pic of content of thank you card from Z and CH]
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: Today I received the first thank you card from students I've ever received in my entire life haha. :)
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: I'm just proud and happy that from their words of appreciation, can tell that they know I'm a clinician first, but a tutor a close second. I put patients and my work first but whenever I can I do try to teach. Haven't been able to do that last 8 months or so when I was struggling. But these 2 months better. I Alw express how much I love to teach and how sad I am that as a HO I have such little time to teach. I feel stupid for having taught more as a year 4 and year 5 student than now as a legit doctor haha
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: Anw. Rly grateful I had these 2 enthusiastic students to teach whatever little I know to.
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: It's not abt the number of thank you cards I see my consultants or profs have on their desks. I'm just wondering how many more of these kids I will end up getting to pass stuff I know to one day if I become a consultant too haha..
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: It was rly nice. My first thank you card from students :)
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: Anw long rant stemming from not being acknowledged abt my project and in the process putting off work on my actual project that I'm going Brazil for haha. And ahem bad to not be getting more sleep for work tmr and call on wed haha. >< but maybe some chicken soup for Me's soul for once ba.
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: Take your time to read haha..
8/3/16, 2:06:38 AM: Me: Take your time cos I still have 2 months of shit work before I become MO which I have been primed by my seniors is a different sort of shit work that isn't as bad. Hopefully they speak the truth. I'm eagerly awaiting the end of this 2 months haha
8/3/16, 2:07:11 AM: Me: I miss my sanity haha. And this is the closest I've gotten it back ever since I stepped out of childhood after jc haha.
at 3:27 AM