beautiful, isnt it
Thursday, May 11, 2017
a few random thoughts i had, so, just to write them down.

1) joan was quizzical, studied metaphysical
science in her home

 - nice song! always nice, nice lyrics haha

2) somehow that made me remember the flapper girls sort of songs in the great gatsby movie, which is of course, my favourite tale of all time. that reminds me that i need to note that theory that gatsby was black - mind-blowing when i first read it, but on a very serious note could be possible

3) 怎样的雨 怎样的夜

雨要多大 天要多黑

very nice song, and lyrics, 下雨天 by 南拳媽媽, sad sentiments haha
at 12:19 AM
Saturday, April 29, 2017
so i wanted to write a post about how the beatles' original studio version of while my guitar gently weeps is one of, if not the most, yan zhong songs i've ever heard in my life. it even has a sad and gentle acoustic version that is very (a bit too) popular, that is original from the beatles themselves. can't find a video of it to put here cos i think nobody is allowed to upload it onto youtube due to copyright issues.. i've known many covers that are very nice, from normal to the famous ukulele one by shimabukuro, to regina spektor, and today a gayangeum one by luna lee.. and even with my searching i found mariachi band version of it wtf. but i think nothing beats that original studio version in terms of being the best.. and the most yan zhong haha. the slow but sure drum beat that drives the song, and the damn jarring and rough, yet angry and also singing ?whining lead guitar that is characteristic.. best use of the whammy bar during the solo. i would install a whammy bar on my telecaster just to play that solo, wth. that bend and whammy downwards -> zz zz zz zz zz. my goodness.. music at its best..
at 5:11 PM
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
another long overdue thought.

was at dry winching the other day. as the bird repeatedly took off and landed, blowing us with merciful cool wind in the hot open field, the sight of a few million blades of grass quivering in the sunlight reminded me of a recurring thought i had previously fixated on:

are the blades of grass moving, or is it the wind that is moving?
neither. it is the mind that is moving.

here it is after a quick search, from 13th century zen master 無門慧開's 無門關, apparently. did not know that but didn't matter, wise, brief words that just make you think and feel so much:

29. Not the Wind, Not the Flag

Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: "The flag is moving."
The other said: "The wind is moving."
The sixth patriarch happened to be passing by. He told them: "Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving."

it is not the leaf, and it is not the wind. it is just you.

what was it that i was so angry today at.?
oh right. my mind was not moving but i just had to ask for it
- consensual.
at 9:06 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
a long over-due thought.

this dates back to the early morning of the 12th of april, 2017. i was leaving the pulau tekong medical centre after my night call, and i was recalling how it was like the last time i had set foot on that island. i was young, healthy both physically and mentally, and i was enduring a trying time in any singaporean man's life - national service. i recall the times being difficult, but i recall carrying myself through it all. i do not recall a person that "fell out" so much from both physical and mental attrition, and that was the me that had to resume national service earlier this year. what happened to that guy? i thought. and then i realised that the best measure of what effects 5 years of medical school and 2 years of working with the same fuckers that made those 5 years miserable, would be just that.

i almost forgot this next part i wanted to blog about, but then blurted out "oh fuck" in real life as i just recalled it. think i felt some disappointment and resentment at what i found out about some of my batch mates from people who did winching with my today. but when i found out that you were merrily and rosily possibly part of it, i felt very angry at you for possibly hurting someone. cheebye.
at 12:25 AM
Thursday, April 06, 2017
and yet here i am, refusing to sleep again.

making a last stand instead of going quietly into the night. i wish. not sure how i even live, with this weak body of mine. that could be so much better if i just let it be.

must be the nightmares of the albatross.
at 3:26 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2017
water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

the albatross hanging around my neck. apparently, it is "a heavy burden of guilt that becomes an obstacle to success". 

the rime of the ancient mariner is about Sin and Redemption - "Man is a sinful creature, but redemption awaits him if he repents his wrongdoing and performs penance." but what if the penance is itself an albatross around the neck?
at 9:07 AM
wow. i just watched the movie Predestination (2014) and it is the absolute mindfuck. the original i'm my own grandpa. wow. so much mindfuck. guy goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can grow up to become the time traveller that goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can grow up to become the time traveller that goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can wtf fuck this shit.

'--All You Zombies--' by Robert A. Heinlein. masterpiece. and the best part? the whole point of all that a mindfuck seems to be so that he can end by asking everyone: "I know where I came from --but where did all you zombies come from?"

yeah, where did? fuck you all.

i think what the film did that outdid the story was the part about the Fizzle Bomber. what the original short story did not address was why did the narrator go back in time to do all that. in the film, the narrator killed the Fizzle Bomber and inevitably/yet chose to become him. but why? was it so that all those lives would be saved in the future? or was it so he could still be who he was? or was it simply as he expresses, that he/she was so dear to himself, the best thing that's ever happened to him, that he misses him/her so dreadfully, that he went on to complete the circle for himself after all? ouroboros. we don't and won't know, but i like the wondering.

on a seemingly unrelated but parallel note, this blog is like the past me speaking to me as i read my previous entry - why am i still up so late again..? fucked up. but at least i know where i came from --where the fuck did all you zombies come from?
at 2:03 AM
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I'm not feeling v happy today. I don't rly know why, but it's the same kind as I usually do have like this. Just damn sian. Maybe it's cos I slept only 2 hours plus the night before, which I seriously have a problem stopping myself from doing as I keep trying to steal more time from the day before by staying up late and "delaying" the next day, which we all know doesn't work and that with sleep I function much better and am actually smart sometimes.
at 5:30 PM
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Ate at Japan rail cafe today with mum and leng.. treated them :) missing dad and sis and xuan, and ger.. it was good, very nice, peaceful.. maybe I really should do emed, will have more time in life to live a little. Even the day-times spent alone might be great watching shows and movies, playing games or reading a book or learning Japanese..

As usual dread booking in, dread being away from my life and my loved ones.. but this time there's an additional anticipation feeling, because by this time next week the worst of mocc should be over ba. Sigh..
at 2:56 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2017
"But I cannot lie to myself and say that National Service is not needed – the reason being these places I love, which house the many people I love, need to be protected. These things I love such as peace, harmony, security, and everything beautiful and good we have in our lives, need to be defended and held on closely to."
at 5:57 PM