beautiful, isnt it
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
another long overdue thought.

was at dry winching the other day. as the bird repeatedly took off and landed, blowing us with merciful cool wind in the hot open field, the sight of a few million blades of grass quivering in the sunlight reminded me of a recurring thought i had previously fixated on:

are the blades of grass moving, or is it the wind that is moving?
neither. it is the mind that is moving.

here it is after a quick search, from 13th century zen master 無門慧開's 無門關, apparently. did not know that but didn't matter, wise, brief words that just make you think and feel so much:

29. Not the Wind, Not the Flag

Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: "The flag is moving."
The other said: "The wind is moving."
The sixth patriarch happened to be passing by. He told them: "Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving."

it is not the leaf, and it is not the wind. it is just you.

what was it that i was so angry today at.?
oh right. my mind was not moving but i just had to ask for it
- consensual.
at 9:06 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
a long over-due thought.

this dates back to the early morning of the 12th of april, 2017. i was leaving the pulau tekong medical centre after my night call, and i was recalling how it was like the last time i had set foot on that island. i was young, healthy both physically and mentally, and i was enduring a trying time in any singaporean man's life - national service. i recall the times being difficult, but i recall carrying myself through it all. i do not recall a person that "fell out" so much from both physical and mental attrition, and that was the me that had to resume national service earlier this year. what happened to that guy? i thought. and then i realised that the best measure of what effects 5 years of medical school and 2 years of working with the same fuckers that made those 5 years miserable, would be just that.

i almost forgot this next part i wanted to blog about, but then blurted out "oh fuck" in real life as i just recalled it. think i felt some disappointment and resentment at what i found out about some of my batch mates from people who did winching with my today. but when i found out that you were merrily and rosily possibly part of it, i felt very angry at you for possibly hurting someone. cheebye.
at 12:25 AM
Thursday, April 06, 2017
and yet here i am, refusing to sleep again.

making a last stand instead of going quietly into the night. i wish. not sure how i even live, with this weak body of mine. that could be so much better if i just let it be.

must be the nightmares of the albatross.
at 3:26 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2017
water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.

the albatross hanging around my neck. apparently, it is "a heavy burden of guilt that becomes an obstacle to success". 

the rime of the ancient mariner is about Sin and Redemption - "Man is a sinful creature, but redemption awaits him if he repents his wrongdoing and performs penance." but what if the penance is itself an albatross around the neck?
at 9:07 AM
wow. i just watched the movie Predestination (2014) and it is the absolute mindfuck. the original i'm my own grandpa. wow. so much mindfuck. guy goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can grow up to become the time traveller that goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can grow up to become the time traveller that goes back in time to ensure that he fucks himself so that he can give birth to the kid that he steals to give to an orphanage so that he can wtf fuck this shit.

'--All You Zombies--' by Robert A. Heinlein. masterpiece. and the best part? the whole point of all that a mindfuck seems to be so that he can end by asking everyone: "I know where I came from --but where did all you zombies come from?"

yeah, where did? fuck you all.

i think what the film did that outdid the story was the part about the Fizzle Bomber. what the original short story did not address was why did the narrator go back in time to do all that. in the film, the narrator killed the Fizzle Bomber and inevitably/yet chose to become him. but why? was it so that all those lives would be saved in the future? or was it so he could still be who he was? or was it simply as he expresses, that he/she was so dear to himself, the best thing that's ever happened to him, that he misses him/her so dreadfully, that he went on to complete the circle for himself after all? ouroboros. we don't and won't know, but i like the wondering.

on a seemingly unrelated but parallel note, this blog is like the past me speaking to me as i read my previous entry - why am i still up so late again..? fucked up. but at least i know where i came from --where the fuck did all you zombies come from?
at 2:03 AM
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
I'm not feeling v happy today. I don't rly know why, but it's the same kind as I usually do have like this. Just damn sian. Maybe it's cos I slept only 2 hours plus the night before, which I seriously have a problem stopping myself from doing as I keep trying to steal more time from the day before by staying up late and "delaying" the next day, which we all know doesn't work and that with sleep I function much better and am actually smart sometimes.
at 5:30 PM
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Ate at Japan rail cafe today with mum and leng.. treated them :) missing dad and sis and xuan, and ger.. it was good, very nice, peaceful.. maybe I really should do emed, will have more time in life to live a little. Even the day-times spent alone might be great watching shows and movies, playing games or reading a book or learning Japanese..

As usual dread booking in, dread being away from my life and my loved ones.. but this time there's an additional anticipation feeling, because by this time next week the worst of mocc should be over ba. Sigh..
at 2:56 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2017
"But I cannot lie to myself and say that National Service is not needed – the reason being these places I love, which house the many people I love, need to be protected. These things I love such as peace, harmony, security, and everything beautiful and good we have in our lives, need to be defended and held on closely to."
at 5:57 PM
at 12:51 AM
Sunday, January 29, 2017
1. Desiderata Poem - Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence. 
As far as possible, without surrender, 
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious
to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter, for always
there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

2. The Appointment in Samarra
(as retold by W. Somerset Maugham)

The speaker is Death

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me.  She looked at me and made a threatening gesture,  now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate.  I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me.  The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went.  Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw me standing in the crowd and he came to me and said, Why did you make a threating getsture to my servant when you saw him this morning?  That was not a threatening gesture, I said, it was only a start of surprise.  I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.
at 3:19 PM