today i had my P1 assessment for january by Dr BT head of RAI TTSH.

tbh, me and hm were both very jittery as he is a very smart, capable, and sharp man who has been so acute and so thorough in the management of our team's patients this past week.. he is really "up there" and he really knows his stuff, and he really must come early to screen and spy on patients' old records to glean more on their current admission. we know for a fact he is a very capable and very elite man, and he makes no effort in being shy about it.

so today afternoon, me and hm had to meet him in the ward for our assessment.. and so it turns out, our assessment with him was a very nice talk, about medical postings, housemanship, and MO-ship. he asked about our residency and specialisation inclinations, gave us advice to go from here, and reaffirmed us as junior doctors still learning and growing as part of the team. he told us of his own previous experiences, and he told us about how the system works, and he gave us advice, from the perspective of someone who's been there, and is currently overseeing the process of "being there". most amazing of all, he gave BOTH me and hm surgical and medical advice respectively, despite being primarily a medically-trained person.

now, i no longer know him as a very capable and very elite man, but also a very kind, and very respectable man. thank you for having faith in us, in me, despite what small fries we must be in your world haha. thank you too, for remembering that you were once a small fry, and in doing so also remind us that we could, one day be a big fry like you haha. thank you. thank you for your vote of confidence. i hope i do well too. :)

this morning, i had some nice thoughts..

over the past 5 years, i've been so battered, by sadness, and by stress (i think that's what's slowly killing me), that i've forgotten how to be excited for stuff and for life.
how to really cherish what is in front of my eyes.
i need to start again, as now i have goodness in my life.
breath, life is fresh.
find life, find my passion again.
do not be bogged down by a to-do list.


i'm still very much bogged down by my to-do list and the stress of work..
but i think i'll need to actively remind myself that life i beyond all that. life is no longer the conditioned daily routine of sadness in the past 5-6 years where i wake up helpless about the sad things i cannot change, feel fucked up, and go to sleep feeling the same way and only to wake up feeling the same way and the cycle repeats. helpless to change the things i cannot change, and being sad from these very things i cannot change. this daily conditioning is no more. so i must stop.

and see and enjoy and rmr the present.. instead. have excitement about the present instead.

Happy that I have a you that makes me feel like that. :)

:)