beautiful, isnt it
Friday, February 18, 2011
"this is general and abt life at large, and quite random, but i just felt like telling you: i've felt this frustration many times before - the frustration that life "sucks". life rly does suck for various reasons. life is extremely imperfect and incomplete, and really intrinsically lacks any meaning. so in living life, maybe "fast paced" ppl like me will continually try to maximise time and experience, and try to do "meaningful" stuff with every minute i have; "normal paced" ppl will just slowly, spend a day or two napping at home, watch some tv, go out when a friend does ask them, get some work done. so it goes smth like that. the frustration for me comes, when i realistically experience life's imperfection, incompleteness, an lack of meaning - when say, things are out of my control (smth to do with a person in my life that is not me), or when i fail to find things to do that have meaning, for eg. so this frustration i have always had/experienced. but it is only recently that i put an explanation/made some [sad] sense of it - life just exists i guess. i guess, like no one chose to be here, we just sorta get born, and thus "happen" to be existing - it is not our choice to be living right now, kinda. we were just put here..

so i guess how this accounts for the aforementioned frustration is that, rly, the world is just boundlessly imperfect, it can be "screwed up" in just abt any way you can imagine. and why, why am i the only one seemingly unhappy/feel unfair/upset, or even perhaps..afraid, of these boundless screwed up stuff? i think its not just me - i just process too much in my head to be sensitive/mind this thing. the rest of the people know its screwed up too - they just, continue walking, continue to move on with life i guess. cos that's the only thing they can do? cos they were put on this world. they didn't choose to live. but they were just put here, so.. they kinda accepted the consequences? smth liddat..

how do we try to live in a virtuous/moral/upright perfect world? its impossible right, cos the world consists of other ppl as well. so you go try and live a perfect and moral life, intrinsically you can't, cos you'll just get to witness what sinners everyone just is.. sad huh? quite a despairing truth. we're just here cos we happen to exist, cos life was created by an accident of stars and dust colliding. we can't choose a moral world to live in. we just exist. so..

get on w it? grit ur teeth and forge ahead? there's nth i can do. its futile..

the thing about life is, there is no meaning to find.."


"your sense of existentialism is not unique
many books depict it artistically

explain
i nv said it was unique..
i just derived it thats all lor
by logic

it is nonetheless very personal to each of us

wat is existentialism

and an honest heartfelt feeling
the term itself has become rather vague
but there are various authors in the modern era who have put it into literature
i mention it cos i've read several and am reminded of them as i see your smses

such as..?

albert camus was one of them
there is also fyodor dostoevsky
there is jean paul sartre
ive read them bits here and there
its difficult to characterise them well here but they are interesting to look up
for one, there is a short book by fyodor called 'notes from underground'
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2070130/Notes-From-the-Underground
and there are other stuff ive explored before
i have quite a few in ebook format like pdf
i am reminded of them
http://www.scribd.com/doc/19120285/Camus-The-Myth-of-Sisyphus-and-Other-Essays
in general i've had your sms-ed thoughts many times before
although not too recently

The essay concludes, "The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
wiki says this of the myth of sisyphus
isnt that in itself
a "meaning" in life?

i try to be more contented and cheerful
yeah of course, thats whats interesting about the idea of that myth
however you term this classification of thoughts
absurdist existentialism
post modern existential angst
whatever
it is prevalent to people who acknowledge and accept it
and there must be many in the world.
im sure you'll enjoy exploring these stuff as i did myself
franz kafka
its all quite sublime.

i think
what u termed what i am feeling, this absurdism-camus-existentialist thing
is quite accurate
but one part remains very different
its that whilst they say embrace it, i say nah not embrace it, just be ok with it
and be ok only because, there is nth one can do abt it
they sometimes see the process, the delving into this, as the "meaning", the "passion"
just as u say u enjoy exploring this stuff
i dont
i would be interested to read it
but i dont enjoy, i dont find a want or fulfillment or meaning of any sort in delving into it
perhaps this is some form of "extreme absurdism"?
because i feel
absurd, itself, to go deeper into this
it is sad, and that is all
finding out how it works.. in itself is trying to find meaning
in something that, doesnt rly have
it just is.
something like that.
For Albert Camus in The Myth of Sisyphus, suicide is not a worthwhile solution, because if life is veritably absurd, it is therefore even more absurd to counteract it; instead, we should engage in living, and reconcile the fact that we live in a world without purpose.
although i am opposed to suicide, i do not feel we "should engage in living"
nor "reconcile the fact that we live in a world without purpose"
that in itself is absurd
hence i do not need to embrace it.
something like that.
so yea any answers? i'm guessing no"


dont get me wrong - love exists, beauty exists. happiness exists, and fun exists. and medicine, definitely, remains my passion, my belief, and a very meaningful thing i have in my life. i will continue to help ppl, and have a good heart.. but all these are independent of the above what. the above is a realization that we just all happen to be here, we didnt choose to be "existing", we just do - there is no higher purpose or meaning in life. to think we spent all these while trying to find "the meaning of life" lol. there isnt, we just are some form of organic matter. so since we're here we just gotta do this lor. there are meaningful things to do, there are beautiful things to watch and songs to sing that touch your heart.. but there just is no larger meaning to it. we are in this world as in we are just put in a circumstance we gotta accept and live with. i think that rly accounts for my frustrations, it really explains how to "live", now. it also gives me insight into minds that are not my own, and how perhaps ppl accept things that i cant. i learn to be braver, i guess, as this tells me how to take the next step - you just put your foot in front of the other..

sian. that explains it i guess. kinda lost now cos theres no compass pointing anywhere cos there isnt any direction to point to. continues to work hard to be a good doctor so that i can help others.
at 9:54 PM
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
it just sucks that tmr i still have to wake up and continue living life
at 12:09 AM
Saturday, February 05, 2011
watched the green hornet today! (: surprisingly, it was quite a good film, it was rly quite funny, and the action was ok-soso not overloaded so not cheesey haha. seth rogen, jay chou, and cameron diaz were good! (:

an interesting sight on my way home today: i saw this old man wearing large coloured fake gems/beads necklace and bracelet on left hand, with a cap on that has a fish figurine and mcdonalds toys tied to the top with ruffia string, and ruffia string secured to his chin like a helmet chin strap. was wondering what's the story behind him. must have a story..

watched him sit on the bus stop, watched him get on the same bus as me. argh haiz i shld've gone and struck up a conversation with him to find out right! i should have i should have! i should have spoken to him cos i rly genuinely wanted to, to hear his story. should have. i feel the spirit of the camera weak inside me ): should have.

this might not be a justified thought, but he looked really frail and defenseless, in need of "help".. i dno. this links to my prev post abt how i alw feel 心软 at ppl who appear liddat. i want to be the best i can be, the most powerful i can be, so that i can help these "defenseless" ppl. again, i disclaim, this may not be a justified/fair comment to pass abt that old man i saw, but i am making a point here la. that yea, whenever i see people like that, i feel a deep need in me to be in their defense, be protecting them. especially children and the elderly. maybe thats why i am so misanthropied, yet i want to be a good doctor. the deep need i feel is so.. strong you know. a calling, i'd say.. weird me. interesting.

so now, instead of playing l4d2, i opt to have dinner over an episode of grey's anatomy, and hopefully after this i'll jiayou and catch up on my studying! must be a good doctor!!! go me! (:
at 9:11 PM