Sunday, October 31, 2010
go round and round in circles and in the end i am still so fucked up
Thursday, October 28, 2010
come on give me a chance. if you are really trying to kill me, you really are heartless as they say. everyday is a nightmare i cant wake up from..
Sunday, October 24, 2010
actually. i also dont know what i am waiting for. waiting for.. godot ah.
i haven't smelt such air since a time of no worries. like maybe a cool windy morning of a day in the december holidays of, maybe sec one. slowly lah slowly. i just need to know when. or if that day will come.
Friday, October 22, 2010
看你背影看好多遍了。就是开不了口；唯一的声音是我心在感慨， 而脑海中就只怀着你无瑕的魅力。等待，等待⋯⋯就这样地默默一直看下去。
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
if laughter is the best medicine, maybe i've been trying to treat myself. obviously it doesnt work.
i should hang my head low as i walk about school everyday, because i'm a nobody, i'm nothing but a creep, and i dont think anyone likes me. i have stopped being optimistic. i go to sleep hoping that i wake up tmr to a new day.
i should hang my head low as i walk about school everyday, because i'm a nobody, i'm nothing but a creep, and i dont think anyone likes me. i have stopped being optimistic. i go to sleep hoping that i wake up tmr to a new day.
Monday, October 18, 2010
to her, to alot of people, to everybody, i'm a creep.
i let myself buy today. i actually saw some little children running around outside cheers, and actually paused, stopped. to try and think sensibly about it. to resist it. i actually stopped, and told myself to try no. but i couldnt, i was too tired, and too broken to deny myself tonight. now, each pause, i frown more, and i feel sicker. i'm just waiting for myself to feel senseless, and not to think.
i dont care anymore, screw the self confidence thing, the self esteem thing. screw the being awesome, being sleek, avoid the espirit d'escalier thing. screw the i dont show my weakness. i'm doing away with that tonight, because i'm at a low, and damn i'm transparent when it comes to the important things.
i know i'm gonna screw things up by not caring. by not planning every move play by play, every paragraph word by word, down to the punctuations or lack thereof. but i'm not gonna care. i'm not gonna care about what tone that fullstop switches to, and i've gotta stop being crazy, even if its really me. i'm a disgusting, worthless, creep and i should stop and shut up, look down and maybe feel sad. for being worthless, and unloved. i'm depressed, and that is the stupidest, most immature thing i can ever say, because i'm in such a fortunate circumstance already. my troubles are trivial to people who have lost their fingers, to people in poverty, and to people who are deprived of equal opportunities in this world for no good reason. i am so ashamed of myself. but i have to be honest. i'm really depressed. if not i wouldnt think about crying, feel so desolate and sad, all the time.
like i said, i'm just waiting for myself to not think.
i know i'm screwing things up, by writing all these down, but i dont care, i'm so screwed. i need to take things easy, and not feel anything. i need to not care, and just wait. but how to not care when. i dno, i'm not even being given a chance? or am i? or am i supposed to just be broken over, and over again, and try to look on with sad eyes that actually are, just disgusting.
and insignificant. and unloved. people are just not interested.
maybe i just gotta wait. or maybe just cold and heartless, like a tissue paper, use and throw. i have no self esteem tonight. i have no self confidence tonight, no hope, no drive, no energy, no happiness. i am ashamed of the state i am in, and i just wish that things were clearer.
like i said, i'm just waiting for myself to puke.
tomorrow is a school day, and for all the reasons in the world, it should be a better day. all i can do is really hope that that is true, but i am left to wonder forever.
i let myself buy today. i actually saw some little children running around outside cheers, and actually paused, stopped. to try and think sensibly about it. to resist it. i actually stopped, and told myself to try no. but i couldnt, i was too tired, and too broken to deny myself tonight. now, each pause, i frown more, and i feel sicker. i'm just waiting for myself to feel senseless, and not to think.
i dont care anymore, screw the self confidence thing, the self esteem thing. screw the being awesome, being sleek, avoid the espirit d'escalier thing. screw the i dont show my weakness. i'm doing away with that tonight, because i'm at a low, and damn i'm transparent when it comes to the important things.
i know i'm gonna screw things up by not caring. by not planning every move play by play, every paragraph word by word, down to the punctuations or lack thereof. but i'm not gonna care. i'm not gonna care about what tone that fullstop switches to, and i've gotta stop being crazy, even if its really me. i'm a disgusting, worthless, creep and i should stop and shut up, look down and maybe feel sad. for being worthless, and unloved. i'm depressed, and that is the stupidest, most immature thing i can ever say, because i'm in such a fortunate circumstance already. my troubles are trivial to people who have lost their fingers, to people in poverty, and to people who are deprived of equal opportunities in this world for no good reason. i am so ashamed of myself. but i have to be honest. i'm really depressed. if not i wouldnt think about crying, feel so desolate and sad, all the time.
like i said, i'm just waiting for myself to not think.
i know i'm screwing things up, by writing all these down, but i dont care, i'm so screwed. i need to take things easy, and not feel anything. i need to not care, and just wait. but how to not care when. i dno, i'm not even being given a chance? or am i? or am i supposed to just be broken over, and over again, and try to look on with sad eyes that actually are, just disgusting.
and insignificant. and unloved. people are just not interested.
maybe i just gotta wait. or maybe just cold and heartless, like a tissue paper, use and throw. i have no self esteem tonight. i have no self confidence tonight, no hope, no drive, no energy, no happiness. i am ashamed of the state i am in, and i just wish that things were clearer.
like i said, i'm just waiting for myself to puke.
tomorrow is a school day, and for all the reasons in the world, it should be a better day. all i can do is really hope that that is true, but i am left to wonder forever.
Monday, October 11, 2010
so stella says, dont blame her. dont blame her, or be angry with her when she's finally here.
because she already got here as fast as she could already.
because she already got here as fast as she could already.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
prone to alcoholism, drugs, depression, and self-destruction through a hedonistic anaesthesia. cant believe my 1000th post is abt this.